I'm in progress, not broken.

"Find your happiness and chase it!" I'm constantly telling people this. So, what happened when I realized that no matter how hard I struggled to keep my happiness.. I couldn't? It's a real low and desperate feeling, I can tell you that much. On March 2nd, 2017 I was diagnosed with severe depression. Go ahead roll you eyes or make a sad face, whatever you gotta do. But, this is real. I didnt want to believe it. At all. Before it happens to you, you can't quite grasp what depression means. Its just a sad person who can't deal properly, right? WRONG. So so wrong. I had told myself so many times that if I could just stop thinking negatively, I could just magically wake up feeling better. Once again, wrong. I just had to admit that I felt like I was drowning and fighting for air and I had to stop fighting the current alone. I needed help; I needed air. So, what is depression? How did I get here? I don't know, I am no magical guru. I do know how I feel though. I feel beaten black and blue. These past few months have been terrifying. I've spent day after day letting my mentality waterboard me. I've spent days in bed crying and screaming into my pillow, physically crawling out of my own skin. I've felt so uncomfortable and disgusted with myself. I've felt incredibly disappointed in my life and certain I will never make it anywhere important, absolutely terrified of the future. Of an empty future. I've went to laugh and started crying instead because a smile felt so wrong sliding across my face. I've stared at a wall for hours and felt like I could fall into a dark abyss that was my mind. I've felt paralyzed, watching the world whirl around me at record speeds. I've wanted to slap myself senseless knowing that the way I was acting was ridiculous. I've looked into the mirror and felt like the person staring back at me was hundreds of miles away, drowning. And I couldn't reach in and grab her to bring her back to the surface. I've felt alone. I wrote that on March 4th. It's now April 26th. Its been over a month. I am not going to sit here and say "I'm cured!!" But, I am better. And by better I mean that I know some days are worse than others, some days can even be great. Depression does not mean I am sad all the time or that I cannot feel happiness. It means that I've met my darkness, I've shaken hands with it, I accept it. But that darkness helped me see my light and appreciate it and its glowing glory. My darkness may lurk, there is no overnight cure, but I hold the power now. I still get to be happy, I WILL have that meaningful future; I will have a meaningful now. When a wall crumbles, do you build it back the same as it was? No, you build it back stronger. I will be stronger.